Two Blondes in a Corn Maze
by Arnold's Love
Summary: "How the heck will a corn maze be perfect for our project, Football Head?" "Remember back in fourth grade and our bio-dome experiment?" "Oh, no…it's return of the bio-nerd. Somebody save me! All, I'm gonna say is that you better have brought better snacks then seaweed and a sprouted potato." -A quick, cutesy Hallowen one-shot from a request made on tumblr.


"Trust me, Helga. This is a great idea for our project," I state, as we approached the local ranch. A large, worn wooden sign hangs above a white picket fence. The antiqued calligraphy read "McCall's Ranch & Pumpkin Patch." It was _the_ spot to go for fall festivity and frivolity. And as the sun's last rays of yellow paused on the horizon, I smile to myself while stealing a glance at the girl next to me. The tall, lengthy blonde is a force to be reckoned with…and my hopeless romantic heart has decided to, well, reckon with it.

"How the heck will a _corn maze_ be perfect for our project, Football Head?" Helga retorts with her usual scowl and defensively-crossed arms.

"Remember back in fourth grade and our bio-dome experiment?" I ask, breathing in the fresh air and feeling resurgence of my confidence.

"Oh, no…it's return of the bio-nerd. Somebody save me!" she exclaims in feigned fear. "All, I'm gonna say is that you better have brought better snacks then seaweed and a sprouted potato this time."

"Har har," I reply with a good-natured eye roll. "We'll use team work—and no map—to find out way through it."

"News flash, Arnoldo," she states, stopping by the cashier's booth, and scowling up at me. After years of her mocking me and calling me Shorty and other variant nicknames, the past year or so I'd finally gained a good four inches on her. "You know I got kicked off the softball team for…behavior non-conducive to teamwork, right?"

"Well, maybe now's a good time to try again," I tell her with a smile. "Two tickets, please." I flash the woman behind the counter a toothy grin.

"You don't have to buy my ticket," Helga says, rubbing her arm awkwardly.

"I know. But I want to," I smile at her, pulling out my wallet.

"Well, thanks," she returns my smile with one of her beautiful, sincere ones. The kind that always makes my senses go a bit…wacky. The mystery that is Helga G. Pataki and all her mixed up, crazy ways is everything I want.

"And in that case, he meant two tickets to the _haunted_ corn maze," Helga adds, leaning on the counter.

"The haunted corn maze?" I ask, as the lady snatches the money out of my hand.

"Well, yah…if we're gonna do a corn maze we might as well go all the way, right? I mean Monday _is_ Halloween," she smirks, taking the tickets from the lady and heading towards the cornfield. "Besides, how bad can it be? It's just a bunch of high school kids dressed in cheap costumes."

"Well, theoretically," I say, as she grabs me by the elbow and drags me towards the entrance.

"Well, hi there, fellas. I didn't expect to see you here tonight," Stinky Peterson greets us as we hand him our tickets. He immediately hands us two flashlights.

"Neither did I, Stink-man, neither did I," Helga replies significantly. "Arnold has some crazy idea that getting lost in a haunted corn maze would be good for our project." She waves her hand around dramatically while she talks. I love that.

I roll my eyes with a playful smile. "The haunted part was your idea, Helga."

She scrunches her mouth into another smirk. "I kind of consider it your idea since I wouldn't have ever come here in the first place if it wasn't for you."

"Come on, let's just go."

"Now don't get lost, you two, ya hear? It's a mighty frightening place full of spooks and haunts and all kinds of creepy madness," Stinky calls to our retreating figures in his best mysterious voice.

"Do you think they _pay_ him to sound that lame?" Helga retorts, kicking a rock on the path.

"Probably," I chuckle, looking down the long stretches of corn stalks.

"So how do we _purposely_ get lost? I mean you're here with a girl who has the memory of a rhino so anyway we go I'll remember."

"I think you mean the memory of an _elephant_ ," I say, trying no to laugh.

"Well, how am I supposed to remember that?"

"Because you have the memory of a rhino," I tease her, and try to contain the warmth that flows through me as her cheeks blush slightly at my teasing. "And we don't have to get lost, we just have to find the other exit…not this one. So that in itself will lead us to having to find a way out."

In the distance I can hear screams, laughs, and other spooky noises perfect for a haunted corn maze. Coming to the first fork in the maze, having narrowly escaping a spastic "ghost" I turn to her and smile. "Which way?"

"Well, I heard once that it's smart to always take all left turns or right turns," she begins, "but that seems to me like you could end up going in circles so lets take a left, then a right, then a left.."

"And that's not going to be hard to remember at all," I reply sarcastically.

"Have faith in me, Foot—"

"What are you doing in my cornfield? What are you doing in my cornfield?" a creepy sounding voice whispers from behind us. Spinning around we see one of the actors dressed as a creepy, farmer—with some pretty legit looking makeup, inching towards us.

"Nothing, what's it to you, buddy?" Helga quips, crossing her arms and smirking.

"I kill trespassers…and then they join my army," the farmer says, turning his head slowly to the side and then snapping his fingers softly. Suddenly, a hoard of zombies step out of the cornstalks around us and start reaching for us, their loud, sinister groans filling the air around us.

"Ew! Get away, ya nasties!" Helga exclaims, laughing. "You'll get dirt on me." Grabbing my arm swiftly, she drags me the only direction she can: straight.

Taking rapid turns all while mumbling to herself as she dodged a few more monsters and zombies, we finally arrive in a clearing in the middle of the cornfield. "There no more idiots dressed as zombies."

"Hello," another voice whispers from behind me.

Spinning around again, we see a girl in a hospital gown and "stitches" staring at us with dark eyes. "You're handsome," she says slowly walking towards me, her bruised and bloodied hand reaching out for me. "Come with me? I know a doctor who'd love your green eyes. Maybe he'd even give one to me…I'm so tired of my blue eyes. Come on."

"Uh, no thanks," I reply, taking a step back as continues to approach me.

Finally, she reaches out and grabs me arm. "The doctor awaits."

"Hey, Frankenstein's girlfriend, back off! He's mi—y school partner," Helga stammers, and I can't help the smile that's spreading across my face. She grabs my arm again and I turn back to wave to the girl.

"Maybe next time," I call back, just to see if I can get a rise out of Helga. She huffs quietly in annoyance as she continues dragging away.

"Call me maybe?" the bruised hospital patient replies in her strangely high pitched voice.

I can't help but start laughing. And then I realize Helga's laughing too.

"Okay, even I can admit that's a good one."

After wandering around for what felt like an eternity the actors were starting to get annoying after seeing us over and over again, not to mention Helga was on her last leg of "patience". Apparently our "team work" wasn't getting us anywhere…except maybe in a circle. It reminded me of our bio-dome experiment…only with less yelling and attempts at murder.

"Okay, here's the deal," she begins, rolling up the sleeves of her jacket, "what if I just climb up on that fence there and take a look around?"

"That's cheating," I reply, shaking my head and narrowing my eyes at her.

"Now's not the time to be a goody-two-shoes. We've been trapped in this stupid maze for an HOUR and I'm getting hungry." She looks around for a second. "And all this corn is starting to look pretty delicious…but I assume that would be considered stealing, am I right, Mr. Angel-On-My-Shoulder."

With both a smile and an eye roll, I slide my backpack off my back. "Here have a snack," I say, handing her a protein bar. "Besides, don't you think it's been fun getting to know each other?"

"Hello, Hair Boy, haven't we known each other since…oh, I don't know…PRESCHOOL?" she exclaims flinging her arms out in a wide arc.

"Well, sure but we never…you know, _actually_ spend time together. And I'd really like to spend—" But I'm interrupted by a hand clamped across my mouth.

"Shh! What's that?" Helga whispers, hovering close to my ear.

"Mmph tmpheen," I try to answer through her hand.

"What?" she hisses, pulling her hand away.

"I said, it was me talking," I huff.

"No not you! Did you hear a squeak?" she asks, her eyes huge as she swings her flashlight around the clearing at a frantic speed.

"No." I narrow my eyes at her. "Are you trying to prank me or something?"

"Shh! There it is again," she exclaims in a hushed whisper.

"Chill out Helga and listen," I say loudly, trying to get her to focus. "I'm trying to tell you something."

"What could be more important then a squeak?" she asks, her face literally changing to a shade of white as she speaks.

"Um…literally EVERYTHING," I tell her, a muscle twitching in my jaw. Asking a girl to homecoming should _not_ be this hard. But I mean…why am I surprised? It _is_ Helga.

"Squeaks mean rats, Arnhold, _rats!_ " she breathes, a slight shiver racing through her. "I HATE rats."

"There are no rats, Helga," I state again, grabbing her arms and turning her to face me. "Listen, Helga, I've been wanting to ask you something."

"What?" she asks, her eyes still looking past me into the dark.

"Do you wanna to go to-"

"A RAT!" Helga screams, interrupting my second attempt as she jumps into my arms and points.

Two glowing eyes are there staring at us with the soft squeaking that often accompanies…a rat. But, of course, there's not just _one_ rat…there's literally at least ten and they're slowly moving closer to us…almost surrounding us.

"Get me out of here!" Helga shrieks pounding on my arms.

Without another thought, I tighten my grip on her and start racing in the opposite directions—running without any real directon…just trying to get away from those creatures that apparently have Helga G. Pataki completely terrified.

It suddenly feels so much darker than before…as if everyone else somehow disappeared—even the actors. And instead we're alone in this endless stupid corn maze, being chased by rats. How does that even happen?

Turning around a corner I run smack into a dead end. And believe it or not…it's not a dead end made out of cornstalks…no, it's a dead end that's a freaking _brick wall_.

"What?" I gasp, putting Helga down so I can analyze our situation.

"We're doomed, Arnold," Helga blubbers. "Doomed…we'll never leave this maze again and those rats will eat us alive and—"

"I'll never get to take you to homecoming," I sigh, sliding my back down the wall, and joining her where she's sitting on the ground.

"Wait? What?" she asks, uncovering her hands from her face.

"I'll never get to take you homecoming," I repeat, brazenly reaching for her hand and lacing it with my fingers.

She starts blubbering into her hand all over again. "We're going to die."

"No we aren't, Helga. They're just rats," I reply, slightly annoyed that that's all she can focus on.

"THEY'RE HERE!" she screeches, jumping up and burying her face in my chest. The swarm of rats approach and surround us.

Just as I wrap my arms around her to comfort her, we suddenly hear the sound of laughter. Shining my flashlight back the direction we came from I feel my brows furrow at the sight.

"Boy howdy, we got her good!" Sid laughs putting an arm around Stinky's shoulders and waving a remote in the air.

"I thought you were plum crazy thinking Helga was scared of rats, Sid, but you sure were right," Stinky laughs, pointing at Helga who's slowly straightening up.

"It pays to have amazing sleuth photographer skills," he replies, smirking at Helga.

"It was you guys all along?" I ask, almost feeling the desire to punch them for ruining my moment.

"Why sure. I was about to get off my shift and then I remembered ya'll were out here and hadn't come back yet. So, I thought we'd come find you," Stinky explained.

"Then he ran into me and told me what he was doing. I remembered this set of remote controlled rats they keep in the barn and how scared Helga is of rats and it just seemed too perfecto pass up," Sid adds with a loud laugh.

"Something tells me you two chuckleheads didn't think through this plan to well…and consider _who_ it was you were pranking," Helga states, smoothing messy hair back. "You're going to regret this. In fact…I skipped my jujitsu lesson for this…what do you say I practice on you two?"

The guys start backing up quickly shaking their heads and hands in protest.

"I think we're just fine, Helga. In fact, my mom's making lemon pudding for dessert tonight so I think I best be gettin' home," Stinky stammers.

"Yah, and he…uh…he invited me for dinner. Catch you later," Sid yells before the two of them rush off into the maze and away from Helga.

She turns to me with a satisfied smirk and dusts her hands off for show. "It's too easy, really."

I smile and shake me head. "Well, you know what I've learned after all this?"

"What's that?" Helga asks, as I bravely take her hand in mine again.

"I only want to work on projects with you for the rest of my life," I smile down at her, my eyes half-lidded.

"That's corny, Arnold," she replies as we head back towards the exit.

"Yah," I laugh, "but it sounded really romantic for a minute."

"I'll give you that…but then it sounded really corny."

Turning to face her again and grinning at her prideful smirk, I reach out to caress her face. "So what's your answer, Pataki? You coming to homecoming with me or what?"

She smiles at me in return. "If it's anything as fun as this, I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"That's what I was hoping," I breathe, before meeting her lips with my own.

* * *

A/N:

This was for an Autumn Meme request by Mony/Miko on tumblr. I had fun writing it! The part where the hospital patient says, "Call Me Maybe" was actually what happened once in a local haunted house that me and my brother went to. We almost died laughing!

One of my favorite things to do when writing fanfiction is to see how many references I can do to things that happened in the show...this has a TON...did you catch them all?

Remember to review!

Lots of love,

Arnold's Love


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